The Iron Sheik is on Twitter
Oh my god, the Iron Sheik has a Twitter account and it is amazing.
You might expect every tweet to be some variation on “Iran, Russia, number one; USA, hawk-ptooey.” But like many celebrity Twitter accounts, the Sheik’s is used for lowercased and sporadically punctuated promotional messages (e.g., “come see me the iron sheik at the comic con in anaheim. if not go fuck yourself and have a good day”), holiday greetings (e.g., “I fuck the turkey who dont fucking respect the legend on the fucking thanksgiving”), the occasional unexpected opinion (e.g., “Watching forgetting sarah marshall will never get old”), and feuding.
Actually, he uses it mostly for feuding. No matter what he’s writing about, it seems like if he has leftover space in a tweet, he’ll fill it by slipping in a quick “fuck hulk hogan” on general principle. But for the most part, he uses Twitter to elucidate exactly who is a lousy no-good punk little gay lowlife cocksucker jabroni motherfucker who needs to be put in the camel clutch, fucked in the ass, and made humble, and who isn’t (although the Sheik wouldn’t hesitate to humble them if they ever didn’t respect the legend). I’ll try to summarize:
A partial list of answers to the question, “who is no good piece of garbage and i should break the neck and the ass?”
B. Brian Blair, Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, Mario Lopez, Michael Cole, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Linda Hogan, Cosmo Kramer, Nikolai Volkoff, Virgil, the Ultimate Warrior, Lebron James, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, William Regal, Tito Santana, OJ Simpson, Allen Iverson, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, George W. Bush, Santino, Sue Sylvester, David Hasselhoff, Glenn Beck, Dr. Phil, Bubba the Love Sponge, Artie Lange, Fidel Castro, Ringo Starr, Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Anderson Silva, Dolly Parton, Falcon “Balloon Boy” Heene, Justin Bieber, Andre the Giant, Pac-Man, Randy Savage, Jay Cutler the quarterback, the nation of Egypt (if they can’t clean up their act), and Jake “the so-called Prince of Persia” Gyllenhaal.
A partial list of answers to the question, “who is good and i put them over?”
“Jumping” Jim Brunzell, Charlie Sheen, Snooki, John Cena, The Rock, Bob Saget, Georges St. Pierre, Jason Segel, Jerry Lawler, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, “Superstar” Billy Graham, The Bachelor, Ko Ko B. Ware, Kanye West, Judd Apatow, Junkyard Dog, Randy Orton, Michael Vick, Vince McMahon, Linda McMahon, Mike Tyson, Goldust, Chelsea Handler, Brett Favre, Sarah Silverman, Jose Canseco, Lindsay Lohan, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, “Weird” Al Yankovic, LeVar Burton, Howard Stern, Gary Coleman, Andre Dawson, Chun-Li from Street Fighter, Miss Elizabeth, the nation of Haiti, Jay Cutler the bodybuilder, and Martin Luther King (who “will take a shit on the virgil if he was alive”).
Kevin Nash, The Miz, Patton Oswalt, Lady Gaga, Soulja Boy, Bart Simpson.
Usually when he’s not sure about someone, he’ll seek advice from his followers about whether he should break their backs and sodomize them by tweeting something like “is the macaulay culkin the gay or the real? is he jabroni?” With Lady Gaga, however, it’s different. He definitely wants to have sex with her in any case, but he’s not totally sure if she’s a woman, which would make it for a matter of pleasure, or if she’s a man, which would make the sex only punitive and/or corrective purposes.
Unexpectedly, I had to actually move Michael Jackson from the Sheik’s enemies list to the “undecided” list. Whenever the Sheik mentions him, it’s usually in a context such as “Brian Blair is a no-good dirty little fag, worse than the Michael Jackson.” But at this point, I’ve seen him do this so many times that there must be at least a hundred people he’s named as worse than Michael Jackson. It calls into question whether he really even thinks Michael Jackson is that bad at all. My current theory is that Michael Jackson is his baseline by which to judge others, himself being neither good (i.e., “the real”, “the man”) nor bad (i.e., “jabroni”, “the gay”).
While I’m certainly not on board with everything the Sheik says (his opinion of homosexuals is pretty low for someone who talks of almost nothing but his desire for man-on-man anal intercourse), I’m surprised at how often I find myself sort of agreeing with him. Like most people, he hates oppressive dictators and Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband. (He’s firmly on the side of America’s Sweetheart, tweeting, “I fuck the Sandra bullock”. That confuses me; does that mean that he would, or that he did?) And, he too was with Coco in the recent dispute over The Tonight Show, tweeting “@ConanOBrien is intelligent jew. I love him and want to fuck the gay leno for treating him like not number 1 in world. I love the conan”.
Note that calling Conan a Jew isn’t necessarily a slur, although it’s obviously an error, since Conan couldn’t look more Irish Catholic. (He’s also made the same mistake with Parks and Recreation‘s Aziz Ansari, who’s an Indian by ethnicity and an atheist by religion, so it’s possible that the Sheik has concluded that all funny people are Jewish.) The Sheik has stated many times his love for the Jewish people, whom he hails as “intelligent” and “best in world”. And his chief problem with Mel Gibson is clearly his anti-Semitism. That’s why the following tweet surprised me:
I give the anne frank the camel clutch and make her humble like the gay leno
I don’t even know what to say about that. Let’s cut to a video:
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