The Banter Report
Relaxing at home on the weekend.
My girlfriend: We’ll watch 30 Rock, and then we’ll clean, okay?
My girlfriend: And you’ll do whatever I tell you, no arguments?
Me: Within reason.
My girlfriend: What?
Me: I won’t kill if you tell me to.
My girlfriend: You’ll do whatever cleaning I tell you?
Me: I won’t do ethnic cleansing.
Murder is narrowly averted.
* * *
Chatting on the computer about poetry, of all things.
Me: I recently read in a book where someone referred to that rhythm as “shave and a haircut, six bits.”
Kitty: I don’t know what the ‘two bits’ bit means anyway. Two bits of money?
Me: Two bits is 25 cents. Six bits is still only 75 cents. You can’t get a haircut or a shave for 75 cents, so why try to update it at all?
Kitty: Oh. Thanks for explicating that
Me: It comes from doubloons, or “pieces of eight”. They used to break them into eighths to use as small change, one bit being about 12.5 cents.
Kitty: Truly, you know many things, Mr Lynn.
Me: Well, I used to be a pirate barber.
The conversation turns to Nardwuar the Human Serviette, a music journalist whose final question in each interview is to simply ask “Doo, doo doo doot doo …” and won’t let the interview subject off the hook until he or she responds “doot doot!”
* * *
Just inside the front door, just after work.
Me: How was your day?
Friend: Ugh. I want a new job.
Me: Just like that Huey Lewis song, “I Want a New Job.”
Friend: Right. Wait, is that what it was?
Me: Yeah, remember? “I want a new job / One that won’t make me quit / One that won’t make me work so hard / Or makes me feel less rich.”
Friend: You’re lying. It’s “I Want a New Drug.”
Me: No, you’re thinking about his other song, the one that goes, “I’m taking what they’re giving because I take drugs for a living.” It’s about his job in pharmaceutical research testing.
My friend decides that all she wants from our relationship is a couple days off.
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