Miscellaneous improvements


The Paul Reiser Show
If Cheryl Hines and Courtney Cox had a baby (and who wouldn’t mind watching them attempt this?), it would basically look like Amy Landecker, who plays Paul Reiser’s wife on his eponymous and mediocre new show. So there’s nothing wrong with Amy Landecker. However, if they have to cast an actress in the part of Reiser’s wife (his real wife apparently either wanting nothing to do with this mess or wanting to finally enjoy the benefits of getting Reiser out of the house in real life so that he can play a house husband on television), there’s a more interesting option: They should have cast the only slightly younger Staci Keanan (who played Reiser’s daughter on My Two Dads) as herself in the part of his wife and then never say anything about this again. People would be suddenly talking about this show, guaranteed. And if they could get former co-star Greg Evigan to pop up now and then with his chimpanzee life partner, so much the better.

Enduring the royal wedding
On April 29, the world will watch, enraptured, as one lucky commoner marries a lifelong welfare case. If you’re feeling a little burnt out on the breathless, sycophantic coverage of this non-event, simply tear articles on this topic out of any magazines or newspapers to which you subscribe, and mail them back to the publisher with the polite handwritten annotation “No thank you.” In the case of periodicals found in your workplace break room, simply use a marker to anonymously scrawl WHORE across Kate Middleton’s face. As for other media coverage, do not shoot your television. This is your television. Not only will you have to pay to replace it, but the British government will make you pay for another television license, which is all part of their diabolical plan.

Right-wing politics
Right now, we here in Canada are having the seventh election in four years (or something like that) and eventually, every voting-age adult will have to fulfill his or her civic duty and run for office; otherwise, we’re going to eventually run out of candidates. If you’re in it to win it, you’re going to have to run as a Conservative, because the vote on the other side is split between multiple left-wing parties such as the Hippies, the Dope-Snorters, and the Abortionists. Even if your heart isn’t in it, running on a populist yet pointless platform of forced sterilization for homosexuals may be a winning move. Think about it.

Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester is a lovely girl, but the fact is that if she put on a lot of weight, it would be a gold mine for entertainment magazine headline writers: “WEIGH-TON.” “GROSS-HIPS GIRL.” “WHEN YOU’RE THIS BIG, THEY CALL YOU MEESTER.” This queen bee needs to start packing away the peanut butter and royal jelly sandwiches.

Jersey Shore spin-offs
Remember when The Situation was poised to be the breakout star of Jersey Shore? In retrospect, he should have stuck with his original gimmick of coming up with annoying but memorable slang and having a ridiculous nickname instead of embarking on an ambitious plan to become the world’s worst person this past season (a title still held by Sammi Sweetheart). Meanwhile, his more likable co-stars are getting their own spin-offs: one chronicling the clubbing adventures of DJ Pauly D, and one about the co-habitation of Snooki and J-Woww in their brand-new bachelorette pad. However, considering the recent controversy over Snooki receiving more money to speak to students of Rutgers University than acclaimed author Toni Morrison earned for delivering the school’s commencement address last spring, wouldn’t it be more intriguing to see what happens when the Beloved blowhard and America’s favourite drunken Oompa-Loompa are forced to share the same house? Can black people and orange people learn to live together? And will sparks fly when this odd couple’s respective BFFs Barack Obama and John McCain visit the shore house to party on the same weekend?

2 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. well the Paul Reiser show lasted all of two episodes. I think that’s nearly a record, so I guess his real wife is going to have to figure out what to do with him.

    Lazarus Lupin
    art and review

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