List them as missing … please.


I didn’t watch more than a couple of seconds, but my girlfriend reports that the royal wedding coverage was actually pretty dull: just a whole lot of singing from what sounded like a bunch of very tired angels, a bunch of praying, then something else happened, and then the couple rode away in a carriage, grinning like idiots and looking pleased with themselves. Who could have foreseen that a total non-event would be boring?

All the breathless hype around this so-called historical event implied that this long, dull ceremony was going to end by the two lovers uniting and evolving into a superior life form, the next step in human evolution. Sorry, that’s Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Queen Elizabeth: You mean this commoner wants to physically join with a royal? Is that possible?

William: Let’s find out.

Queen Elizabeth: William! No! You don’t know what it’ll do to you!

William: Yes I do!

Harry: William, don’t!

William: Harry, I want this! As much as you wanted to parade around in a Nazi uniform, I want this!

[William and Kate merge in a flash of brilliant light. Kate’s oath of celibacy is nullified.]

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