Winners and losers in the upcoming Rapture



  • Office workers. When the churchy coworkers take off for heaven, somebody’s getting stuck with a whole lot of extra work. And it’s not even like career opportunities are going to open up; no one in management is going anywhere.
  • Murderers. They could have just waited, and maybe their innocent victims would have just disappeared anyway. Now they’re on the hook for murder.
  • The financiers of the next Left Behind movie. All that money poured into script and shooting, and it’ll be like their entire audience vanished overnight.
  • People waiting to use the bathroom. It’s a statistical certainty that some people are going to get raptured right in the middle of taking a huge, stinky dump that will then go unflushed. Man, no one wants to come along and see that.


  • Debbie Harry and Chris Stein of Blondie. The sudden flood of royalties will proves that their writing the song “Rapture” was the shrewdest move since Prince’s big payoff on New Year’s Eve, 1998.
  • Owners of failing sports franchises. If the owners of the Atlanta Thrashers simply tell fans that the team was really good and got whisked off to heaven, they might not realize that the opposite actually happened and they moved to Winnipeg.
  • Would-be badasses: If you time things just right, you could have a guy disappear at the very instant you smashed your fist right through him. No one would ever mess with you after that.
  • Me. I’m not worried about not going to heaven this weekend, because I totally know a guy who’ll get me in. His name’s Grandpa—ever heard of him?

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