Because I’m a lazy blogger, collected here now are some recent lowlights from my Twitter stream:
- It’s time to look long and hard at making dietary changes when your bowel movements start to require the help of a midwife.
- Is it racist to assume that black people still say “jive turkey”, or is it ageist to assume that they don’t?
- Learned the hard way: More than one pump of hand sanitizer, and it becomes hand and pantleg sanitizer.
- When Prince William smiles, he looks like a bald horse being fed an apple.
- Idea: Push open the slot of the vending machine and leave a fart in it so the next person who uses it pays a dollar for a horrible smell.
- Who or what is Brooklyn Decker? That sounds like either a perverted sex act or a prank involving a toilet.
- “Do you understand the vomit that is coming out of my mouth?!”—my impression of Chris Tucker, calling in sick.
- “Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!”—my impression of Senator Clay Davis from The Wire, giving his dog a treat.
- “GRRR! You’ll be a woman soon.”—my impression of Neil Diamond doing an impression of a bear.
- Changing the word “thoughts” to “farts” usually improves a song (e.g., The Cranberries’ “Ridiculous Farts; Paula Abdul’s “Sexy Farts”).
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