Recent tweets


I’m not too lazy to write a real post. I’m just too tired. Here, therefore, are some recent highlights from my Twitter feed:

  • Fact: Most of the laugh tracks on TV were recorded in the 1950s, which means that many of the people you hear were laughing at racist jokes.
  • When you replace Paul Newman with a lesser Baldwin, your movie should be called Slap Shot 2: Slap Shit.
  • One appealing thing about Hinduism is that the pantheon is like the Legion of Super-Heroes: Elephant Man, Arms Girl, Matter-Eater Lad, etc.
  • “Nothing is worse than getting a sunburn,” says the TV weatherman. What about THIRD-DEGREE burns? What about getting RAPED BY A FIREMAN?
  • “Jehovah’s Witnesses? More like Jehovah’s SHITnesses!”–me, answering the door
  • “Quis melior malus puer? Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemo!”—Bad Boy Furniture TV ads in an alternate history in which the Roman Empire never fell.
  • Coming home early, about to surprise my girlfriend with another man. He and I are totally going to surprise her!
  • If you ever see a cop eating at Denny’s, you can just get right in his face and sneer “I smell BACON.” He can’t do anything then.
  • If someone wipes a booger on the wall beside the urinal, it’s okay to just blast it off with a pressure-washer stream of urine, right?
  • Best part of having a dog: claiming it was HIS poop you cleaned up with a pair of your underwear and left in the bathtub while drunk.

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