Sex and the City: The Next Generation
I wasn’t excited about Sex and the City returning to TV until realizing it essentially meant they were rebooting the Golden Girls franchise. But how about going another direction? To appeal to modern television audiences, the new Sex and the City TV series should feature CSI-style shots of semen splattering into Kim Cattrall’s vagina.
Since the head of state is no more than a figurehead anyway, the British monarchy would be pretty rad if a clone of warrior-king Richard the Lionheart were crowned king, just like the Klingons did with the clone of their legendary messiah, Kahless the Unforgettable.
Set iTunes so that no matter what’s playing, it shows the album cover art for Whipped Cream & Other Delights by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. This is the apotheosis of album cover art, and you shouldn’t settle for less.
Tekno Team 2000
It’s not clear if the 1990s wrestling tag team Tekno Team 2000 were ever actually stated to be from the future, or if this was just implied by their shiny silver ring attire. If the former is true, there’s actually a lot of blood on their hands when you think about all the wrestlers they could have used their knowledge of the future to prevent from dying young. It could have been a brilliant gimmick, though. Simply by having read the booking sheets, they could have acted like they had eerie foreknowledge of all the angles before they played out. Even better, when interviewed by Todd Pettengill about losing to the Bodydonnas, they could have chuckled enigmatically, and said, “Did we, really? They may have won the battle, but little do they know that they have already lost the war. When celebrating their victory tonight, Skip and Sunny will try cocaine for the very first time, thus beginning a spiral into addiction that will ultimately destroy them.”
Some film producer should cast an extreme Method actor (let’s say Christian Bale, but any will do) as a guy who gets AIDS, then researches a cure for it. Either he’ll actually cure AIDS as part of his preparation for the role, or he won’t and we’ll have one fewer annoying method actor. As for what’s in it for the actor, either he’ll win the Nobel Prize for Medicine or a posthumous Best Actor Oscar. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.
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