Advice to Spider-Man


In honour of actor Cliff Robertson, who played Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man film series, I present the full, unexpurgated version of Uncle Ben’s advice to Peter Parker:

“Peter, I want you to remember one thing: With great power comes great responsibility.

“Oh, one other thing: Photojournalism is a dying art. Videography is the way of the future. That’s the way visual journalism is going. Getting into conventional photography at this time in history is more pointless than musical theatre.

“On a personal note, be nice to that Gwen Stacy girl. I don’t want you breaking her heart, or worse.

“Also, have you ever noticed that red and blue is a color combination that simply is not found in the insect world? I’m just throwing that out there.

“Okay, this is kind of awkward, but I have this recurring nightmare where Adolf Hitler is having sex with my wife. If you ever meet anyone who looks anything like that at all, please, keep him away from your Aunt May.

“Lastly, if you’re ever in the position to foil an escaping crook, you really should probably do something, because you never know what a desperate fugitive from justice might do next. Don’t just stand around and act like it’s none of your problem. Just trip him or something.

“Promise me you’ll remember all that? Good. Now, here’s your permission slip for your school trip to that nuclear reactor thing. Run along now.”

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