Also: The secret origin of Little Archie


Redheaded would-be donors got their Irish up this week when Cryos International, the world’s largest sperm bank, announced that it was no longer accepting their contributions. The worst part of this is that it ruins all my proposed storylines in which Archie sells his sperm so he can afford to take Veronica on a date. And I had lots of them!

  • Archie is aghast when Dilton Doiley buys his sperm as part of his scientific experiment to create life.
  • Archie is upset when Jughead decides to follow his lead to raise hamburger money, and all the girls in town rush to buy his extremely rare sperm instead.
  • Archie is afraid—and possibly a father—when he clumsily spills his sample all over Midge, and Moose goes berzerk.
  • Archie discovers that he and Josie are long-lost siblings when she tries to buy redheaded sperm from the next town over.
  • Archie is conflicted and uncomfortable when Riverdale’s token gay teen, Kevin Keller, offers twice the going rate for Archie’s sperm.
  • Archie fears for his life when Sabrina the teenage witch needs the seed of a hanged man for a magical ritual.
  • Archie can hardly keep up with the demand when his sperm becomes the hottest selling product at Riverdale’s sperm bank—until it turns out Mr. Lodge is buying and destroying it in an effort to drain Archie’s libido.

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