Miscellaneous improvements


The Slammy Awards
Tonight, World Wrestling Entertainment holds its annual Slammy Awards, recognizing excellence in the fields of ring apparel, baby oil application, and Spanish-announcer-table destruction. But although it would greatly increase the running time of the broadcast, this red carpet event would be much improved by the inclusion of an “In Memoriam” segment to recognize the annual parade of 39-year-old heart attack victims and drug-overdose casualties. If nothing else, it would surely lead to the spectacle of the Ultimate Warrior mumbling “This is so awkward” as he gazes up at the screen at the late Ultimate Warrior.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
Though I’ve been informed that Glee has now done it, I still wonder why we don’t hear more same-sex versions of the date rate-themed Christmas classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”. Whether sung by two men or two women, this would undeniably be more taboo and therefore sexier. Consider the the pairing of Michael Bublé and Rufus Wainwright, the latter coaxing the former into sharing more than their nationality and love of Christmas music. Or what about Zooey Deschanel, who’s recorded this song twice previously, but never with her sex-doll doppelgänger, “I Kissed a Girl” singer Katy Perry? Or how about a May–December romance between celebrated duettist Tony Bennett and heartthrob Justin Bieber?

Secret Santa
I think I’ve figured out how to turn the office’s Secret Santa exchange into pure profit this year: Once you draw a coworker’s name, begin a ceaseless campaign of undermining, rumour-mongering, and evidence planting to get that guy fired. If it doesn’t work, so what? You still break even. But if it does work, that means you get a gift and don’t have to buy one, putting you up twenty bucks or so. The only way it can’t work is if you draw your own name, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow through on getting yourself fired. Just throw the slip of paper back in the hat, dummy.

The NHL All-Star Game
Starting next season, the National Hockey League is moving to a four-conference format. This raises the question of how to arrange the format of the annual all-star game, which previously pitted East versus West or North America versus the rest of the world. The answer is that they’ll just stick with the fantasy draft idea they debuted last year. But wouldn’t it be interesting if each conference actually had its own team, with four squads playing in a single match? Put the Eastern Conference in white-on-red home jerseys, the Atlantic Conference in red-on-white away jerseys, the Central Conference in white-on-blue home jerseys, and the Pacific Conference in blue-on-white away jerseys. Then the game itself would essentially work as a round-robin tournament within a single game. Each period is split in half, with teams changing after ten minutes of play (first period: Atlantic vs. Eastern, then Central vs. Pacific; second period: Atlantic vs. Central, then Eastern vs. Pacific; third period: Atlantic vs. Pacific, then Eastern vs. Central) The winner would be determined through win-loss records against the other teams, with goal differential as the first tiebreaker, and then goals scored as the second tiebreaker. Or, forget all that, and just put all four teams on-ice at the same time on a baseball diamond featuring a giant squircle-shaped rink with four nets and two pucks. It’d be nuts.

Mount Rushmore
It’s not politically correct to endorse bullying these days. And rightly so. But at the same time, tell me you nerds wouldn’t visit a mountain featuring the 60-foot high sculpted visages of the four greatest bullies of the 1980s: Biff Tannen, Billy Zabka, Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, and the positively intimidating Dwayne Myers from Degrassi Junior High. You can’t, nerds. You can’t. Because bullies rule.

One Response to “Miscellaneous improvements”

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