Once again, I ruined everything


I had a good day yesterday. I took the day off work and took my wife to see that new Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones movie. Actually, now that I think of it, I had a bad day. I mean, it was all right if you like post-menopausal chick flicks. I was just about the only male there, and we were just about the only people under sixty. (Also, I’m pretty sure Streep was just channeling Phyllis from The Office, and I was so grossed out I almost put a stop order on that Meryl Streep Fleshlight I’m having custom made.)

So, even though someone got shot at that theatre a couple of years ago, aside from the blue-hairs in front of me tittering at the sight of Streep and Jones putting the “sex” back in “sexagenarian” it was a pretty sedate crowd. Except, some jerkass in the first row was lighting up the theatre with his cell phone, ruining everything.

My wife had some Nibs, so I asked her for some. Then I started chucking them at the back of this guy’s head to get him to smarten the hell up and turn his phone off.

Well, my wife was mortified that I was (a) wasting her candy, (b) throwing candy at a stranger, and (c) throwing candy at a stranger who was in a motorized wheelchair because of his serious physical disabilities.

I hadn’t noticed that last part, but I was kind of horrified when she pointed it out. For all we knew, he was pushing some custom app on his chair-mounted smartphone to pump some more oxygen into his system. I got a lecture about how he’d probably been bullied all his life and had probably come to the movies so he could forget about all his miseries for a couple of hours, and now I was doing it to him again. I mean, the poor guy just wanted to escape into a fantasy world where he could imagine what it might be like to have sexual intercourse or live to be middle aged, and once again, I ruined everything.

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