Archive for the ‘Dead People Are Chumps’ Category

42

08Apr16

Forty two. The answer, according to Douglas Adams, to life, the universe, and everything. And also the answer to the question “What age do stupid losers not get to live to?” Because now that I’m there, let me tell you, I’ve buried a lot of losers. The list just keeps getting longer and longer, the […]


41

08Apr15

Forty one years, you chumps. Forty one years, and I just keep on keeping on, outliving creeps and jerks and stupid idiots like an unstoppable juggernaut of continued existence. All these losers just barely entered their fifth decade, looked around and said “Nope, not for me. Forty years is where I stop.” Quitters. I suppose […]


40

08Apr14

Whew. This is a hard one. Okay. Lordy, lordy, guess who’s forty? That’s right, it’s me. And it certainly isn’t these non-milestone-celebrating idiots. Perpetually thirty-nine, you dead losers? Jack Benny called, and he wants his bit back. Also, his life. Like you. Like you, Dylan Thomas. “Do not go gentle into that good night/rage, rage […]


39

08Apr13

Well, another year has gone by, and I’ve outlived yet another crop of idiots. Yessiree, I’m thirty-nine friggin’ years old today, so read it and weep, all you losers and quitters from history who died at thirty-eight. Oh, you are so stupid. You have to be good to get to this age, and face it, […]


38

08Apr12

Happy Easter, everybody! Bummer about Jesus dying. But it’s totally awesome that I outlived him. In fact, as of today—the glorious anniversary of my birth—I’ve officially outlived him by five years. But that’s old news; more exciting is that I’ve now outlived a whole other crop of complete losers. Like Bobby Darin. Splish, splash, you’re […]


The older I get, the more I look out over the graveyard and see a bunch of complete chumps. Today, I am thirty-seven years old and alive, two things that neither Marilyn Monroe nor Princess Di will ever be. If that means Elton John won’t ever rewrite “Candle in the Wind” to celebrate my life […]


Hey, guess who I’m officially three days older than now: Wu Tang Clan member Ol’ Dirty Bastard. It kind of raises the question of why they called him “Ol’ ” anyway. Two days short of your thirty-sixth birthday isn’t that old. Maybe “Ol’ was really short for “Olfactorily offensive.” After all, the man was dirty. […]


Hey, guess what I don’t have in common with cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, outlaw Jesse James, and sitcom starlet Dana Plato as of today? I lived to be thirty five! I’m halfway to my Biblically appointed threescore and ten years. That officially makes me middle aged. Not like you, playwright Joe Orton! Suck my balls, gaylord! […]


Merry Petermas

08Apr08

Greetings to you on what is an important religious holiday celebrated by millions of faithful worshippers. I refer, of course, to Buddha’s birthday, which is generally celebrated on the eighth day of the fourth month of the lunar calendar, but is just observed on April 8 in Japan, where they don’t hold any truck with […]