Archive for the ‘Dead People Are Chumps’ Category



Well, once again, I outlived a whole bunch of chumps this year. More than usual in fact! That’s because, just in case you haven’t been out of your house in a while, we happen to be in the middle of a pandemic cutting a swath through the population of planet Earth. And as usual, I […]



All right, you nerds, I’m back, and I’m bigger, better and older than ever. Yeah, that’s right. I’m hip, I’m cool, and I’m 45. But the pathetic thing is, there’s just so many dumb crap-head jerks that won’t ever see this age, and no matter what else they did in life, that makes me more […]



Well, well, well. I’m back, you chumps, or more to the point, I never went away. Oh sure, it’s been a while since I’ve written, but that’s because I’m too busy living. Live, live, live! That’s all I do! It’s what I’m about: continued existence. I just keep on being alive, just respirating and ingesting […]



Hey, quick, what’s the significance of the number 43? “Well, that’s easy,” you say. “It’s the atomic number of technetium, Richard Petty’s racecar number, and the largest non-McNugget number—that is, the largest number of Chicken McNuggets that can’t be ordered by adding together any combination of 6-, 9-, or 20-pack boxes.” Wrong, idiot! The significance […]



Forty two. The answer, according to Douglas Adams, to life, the universe, and everything. And also the answer to the question “What age do stupid losers not get to live to?” Because now that I’m there, let me tell you, I’ve buried a lot of losers. The list just keeps getting longer and longer, the […]



Forty one years, you chumps. Forty one years, and I just keep on keeping on, outliving creeps and jerks and stupid idiots like an unstoppable juggernaut of continued existence. All these losers just barely entered their fifth decade, looked around and said “Nope, not for me. Forty years is where I stop.” Quitters. I suppose […]



Whew. This is a hard one. Okay. Lordy, lordy, guess who’s forty? That’s right, it’s me. And it certainly isn’t these non-milestone-celebrating idiots. Perpetually thirty-nine, you dead losers? Jack Benny called, and he wants his bit back. Also, his life. Like you. Like you, Dylan Thomas. “Do not go gentle into that good night/rage, rage […]



Well, another year has gone by, and I’ve outlived yet another crop of idiots. Yessiree, I’m thirty-nine friggin’ years old today, so read it and weep, all you losers and quitters from history who died at thirty-eight. Oh, you are so stupid. You have to be good to get to this age, and face it, […]



Happy Easter, everybody! Bummer about Jesus dying. But it’s totally awesome that I outlived him. In fact, as of today—the glorious anniversary of my birth—I’ve officially outlived him by five years. But that’s old news; more exciting is that I’ve now outlived a whole other crop of complete losers. Like Bobby Darin. Splish, splash, you’re […]

The older I get, the more I look out over the graveyard and see a bunch of complete chumps. Today, I am thirty-seven years old and alive, two things that neither Marilyn Monroe nor Princess Di will ever be. If that means Elton John won’t ever rewrite “Candle in the Wind” to celebrate my life […]