Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

One headlight

25Nov16

I stopped at the day care a couple of days ago and ran into my neighbor, who was loading his son into his car. “How are you?” he asked as I got out of my car and yelped as an arc of electricity jumped from the door to my finger. “Ow! Goddamnit!” I quipped. “Heh,” […]


Many things came to an end in 2015. Our impression of British prime minister David Cameron as someone who probably hasn’t fucked a dead pig, for example. NBC anchorman Brian Williams’ reputation as the most trusted man in America, followed by that of Subway pitchman Jared Fogle. And U2 singer Bono’s ability to play guitar, […]


X-mas XIII

07Dec15

Happy National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day! Here, as usual, is my annual National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day mix of seasonal music. It kicks off with Sammy Kaye’s “Goodbye, Mama (I’m Off to Yokohama)” and frankly, gets kind of racist from there. I’ll put it this way: A lot of Uncle Sam’s dirty little foes are […]


Wife: Can we pick up those dirty old beanbag chairs off the side of the road? My students will love them. Me: No. Wife: You never give me anything I want, and you crush all my dreams. Me: Fine. Soon Wife: I can’t in good conscience let my students sit on those dirty old beanbag […]


“You people,” sneered the old southern sheriff. “What do you mean, ‘you people’?!” demanded the big-shot New York City detective. “Black people,” blinked the old southern sheriff. “Sorry, was I unclear? Not a fan.” “Well, I personally like ’em,” shrugged the big-shot New York City detective. “Of course, I’m biased.” “Biased?” exclaimed the old southern […]


MICHAEL All right, this one time I’ll let you ask about my affairs, one last time. KAY Is it true? She looks directly into his eyes, he returns the look, so directly that we know he will tell the truth. MICHAEL (after a very long pause) No. KAY is relieved; she throws her arms around […]


Following up on a conversation about Oxford’s controversial word of the year from a couple of months ago, your favorite reclusive former internet humorist Jay Pinkerton sent me an unusually verbose one-line missive this morning asking, “Sick of selfie yet? I can ask again in six months.” Gradually becoming increasingly aware that he’d tricked me […]


Lots of things ended in 2013, the three most important being Breaking Bad, the Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez relationship, and the papacy of Benedict XVI, in that order. But lots of people ended too, some more so than others. Let’s face it, there’s dead, and then there’s really dead. Glee star Cory Monteith, for example, doesn’t […]


X-mas XI

08Dec13

Ten years of holiday music compilations is a nice round number to stop at, so naturally I did another one. For the eleventh consecutive year, there will be no “Santa Baby”. The point here, as usual, isn’t to recycle tired old holiday treacle; it’s to compile a collection of wintry songs you can listen to […]


Before I was a married man, I was a single man. One of the best and worst parts of that was having housemates; I used to live with a brain-damaged woman named Toula who, while occasionally frustrating to live with, at least made for good stories. Here’s a lost Toula story I meant to post […]