Jersey Shore predictions

31Aug10

Season 4: Jersey Shore 90210

Following their live MTV wedding special (technically a remarriage, their first wedding having taken place in a quickie ceremony during the filming of Jersey Shore: Vegas before being annulled shortly thereafter) Ronnie strangles Sammi during a domestic dispute and then casts himself into the sea in despair. However, Sammi merely ends up in a brief coma, which has surprisingly little effect on filming, as previous seasons have already depicted her spending upwards of twenty hours a day in bed. Ronnie, failing to drown himself, washes up on shore covered in hickey marks from lamprey eels. His attempts to explain their origin to Sammi are complicated by The Situation’s coincidental (or perhaps not) new habit of referring to unattractive women as “eels.” Meanwhile, Angelina is thrown out of the house for monopolizing the duck phone, only to telephone the remaining housemates on an hourly basis for the remainder of the season, and Snooki is thrown down a flight of stairs by her boyfriend but recovers and graduates high school.

Season 5: Jersey Shore: Caged Heat

Sammi stabs a sleeping Ronnie with a steak knife and is sentenced to women’s prison, where JWoww (already incarcerated on charges of DUI and vehicular manslaughter) takes her under her protection; Sammi walks around holding one of JWoww’s low-riding prison scrubs, while Snooki holds the other. (Snooki, not wanting to be left out, has purposely gotten herself jailed by attempting to ride a Coney Island rollercoaster despite not meeting height requirements, then assaulting a carny.) Shortly after, MTV producers frame Angelina on trumped-up charges and introduce her to the cell block, to the dismay of the others. Meanwhile, MVP have all gotten jobs in the prison; Pauly D and Vinny work as guards, while The Situation works in the cafeteria and makes a big show of slicing garlic exceedingly thinly with a razor blade and excluding the others from Pasta Night. A now-recovered Ronnie doesn’t work in the prison but shows up frequently to get fall-over drunk on prison wine and enjoy conjugal visits, sometimes with Sammi, sometimes with other female inmates.

Season 6: Jersey Shore in Space

The Situation and Pauly D arrive at the International Space Station with big plans of hooking up with sexy green space women, but find their daily “GTL” (gym, tanning, and laundry) regimen stymied by weightlessness-induced muscle atrophy, deadly solar radiation, and NASA’s policy of providing biodegradable underwear instead of onboard laundry facilities. Drunk on vodka, Ronnie vomits in zero gravity, and Sammi breaks up with him, but all is forgiven when he crawls into her sleep module that evening. However, when Snooki opens the refrigerator and a carelessly stored sphere of Tang floats out and splashes all over the galley, The Situation orders her excluded from Nutrient Tube Night. Angelina refuses to take her shift monitoring the station’s experiments on the growth of bean sprouts in space and is pushed out an airlock by JWoww in retaliation.

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